Never in my mind did I ever think I would be sitting here writing this or adding to Monique's memorial. Even after experiencing the reality and pain of losing Monique I guess I still didn't think loss would touch me twice in my life. I have spent days in pain and I want to let me feelings out.
Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't very happy since I just had Daisha 4 months ago. I was taking birth control faithfully. I wanted my tubes tied after I had Daisha but the doctor harped on and on I was too young. So I began my search for a doctor that would do it for me. So you can begin to realize the feeling I had when I missed my period in March. I took a EPT test and sure enough those pesky 2 lines appeared. All I could do was groan and go tell Wayne. I was due November 23 2002. A month before Daisha's first birthday! I got bronchitis and was really ill for that week. I was miserable being pregnant and very sick. But I trudged through it.
Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't very happy since I just had Daisha 4 months ago. I was taking birth control faithfully. I wanted my tubes tied after I had Daisha but the doctor harped on and on I was too young. So I began my search for a doctor that would do it for me. So you can begin to realize the feeling I had when I missed my period in March. I took a EPT test and sure enough those pesky 2 lines appeared. All I could do was groan and go tell Wayne. I was due November 23 2002. A month before Daisha's first birthday! I got bronchitis and was really ill for that week. I was miserable being pregnant and very sick. But I trudged through it.
One week after I found out I was pregnant I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamed of Monique which I havent done in almost 6 months. Monique was far older and wiser in all my dreams. In my dream she was holding and rocking a baby. I remember touching her shoulder and asking her "Who's baby was she holding?"
Never will I forget the expression on Moniques face nor the tears on her cheeks. I heard her whisper "Kayla" and pointing at me. I woke up in a cold sweat crying my heart out. My husband held me and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he held me close never questioning.
Wednesday morning (March 27) was a day like any day. Wayne and I cleaned our cars out and drove into Jacksonville to pick up Kalika and Briana who spent the night at my SIL house. When I pulled up I had to pee badly and I felt wetness on my shorts. I ran into the bathroom and again I saw blood. I totally lost it. My husband raced me to the nearest hospital in midst of my screams and crys. My worst fears confirmed and my dreams became reality once more. My baby had left me and went to Heaven with Monique.
Never will I forget the expression on Moniques face nor the tears on her cheeks. I heard her whisper "Kayla" and pointing at me. I woke up in a cold sweat crying my heart out. My husband held me and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he held me close never questioning.
Wednesday morning (March 27) was a day like any day. Wayne and I cleaned our cars out and drove into Jacksonville to pick up Kalika and Briana who spent the night at my SIL house. When I pulled up I had to pee badly and I felt wetness on my shorts. I ran into the bathroom and again I saw blood. I totally lost it. My husband raced me to the nearest hospital in midst of my screams and crys. My worst fears confirmed and my dreams became reality once more. My baby had left me and went to Heaven with Monique.
I felt like a failure. I hated my body. I just wanted to die. I ranted and raved for hours. I wanted to die. Until they finally gave me shot to sleep. I don't remember that dream but I know I woke up with a peace and knowledge that my baby was in Heaven with Monique. I now know that baby Monique was rocking was the baby I had lost. I had a deep rooted instinct that baby was a girl and her name is Kayla. And someday soon I will be with my babies again in Heaven. The pain is great and intense. Not to mention the guilt.
I know it was not anything I did but still that guilt looms heavily on my mind and heart. I said hello and goodbye to Kayla in the 2 weeks I held her in my womb. Goodbye sweet Kayla Marie until I get to hold you for the first time in Heaven.
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